Town of Hempstead Announces Another Larger Wind Turbine at Festive Press Conference

DISCLAIMER: PLEASE LOOK AT THE DATE THIS ARTICLE WAS POSTED. HINT: It was posted April 1st. Does that ring a bell?

Or just read this article first: The TOH didn’t LOL at my Wind Turbine April Fool’s Joke

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“Once again, Kate Murray and the Town of Hempstead are true Long Island leaders in advancing wind power into Long Island’s energy portfolio,” said LIPA’s Chief Operating Officer Michael D. Hervey at a press conference today at the Conservation and Waterways in Lido Beach, NY. This second wind turbine, which will be located just 100 feet west of the first one that was installed late 2011, stands 2420 feet tall and is capable of generating up to 3600 megawatts of power per year. Hervey added “It has the potential to power every single nail salon in the Town of Hempstead.”

“The answer to clean and renewable energy is blowin’ in the wind…the answer is blowin’ in the wind,” said Town Supervisor Kate Murray who then took out an acoustic guitar and started playing the Bob Dylan song for the press. “Just like how I am performing unplugged, this turbine will help the Town of Hempstead unplug from fossil fuels.” In keeping with a wind-themed setlist, Murray also played “Wind of Change” by the German rock band The Scorpions and her version of Jimi Hendrix’s “The Wind Cries Mary.” She concluded by smashing her guitar against a town-issue Chevrolet pickup truck. “Play ‘Free Bird,’” yelled Nassau County Executive Ed Mangano, who was caught up in the excitement, not realizing Murray’s guitar was already broken. Laughing about it later on, Mangano said, “Well, at least I caught a guitar pick.”

The wind turbine’s size was the big, no pun intended, topic at today’s press conference. Its enormous size will make it one of the tallest man-made structures in the world, just 297 feet short of the Burj Khalifa in Dubai. The other big topic was what officials are calling a barrier-island drift. The turbine will act like a giant propeller, responding to strong northwest winds and essentially moving the barrier island away from the mainland over the next 40 years [see diagram below].

“I am certain that the barrier island residents will welcome the change. Houses will become more exclusive which will result in higher property values and a stronger tax base. Boaters, fishermen and sea robins alike will love the expanded bay. It’s a win-win for all,” stated Murray. Ron Masters, Commissioner of Conservation and Waterways for the Town of Hempstead added, “The Island will move. Not slow like the ice age, but it won’t be fast enough for anyone to notice on a daily basis. I’m not worried. If you think about it, it really doesn’t matter. Have you seen the original Planet of the Apes? This barrier island will be underwater by year 3978 AD anyway.” “Those damn dirty apes,” added Murray.

Regarding the need to expand the existing bridges, the town also announced they’ll be utilizing new bamboo bridge technology, which slowly grows to accommodate the island drift from the mainland. “This technology is so advanced that we are unable to explain it without our bamboo expert present,” Murray said. “We do have bamboo already growing at our new Sen. Norman J. Levy Bamboo Forest over in Merrick. [Bamboo] will then be transported to the appropriate spots when the drift comes, but that’s still a few years away.”

The wind turbine is scheduled to be installed and in full operation by Summer 2013, pending the results of the turbine’s impact on birds and air and spacecraft.

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8 thoughts on “Town of Hempstead Announces Another Larger Wind Turbine at Festive Press Conference”

  1. Also heard that Cabana is working on a machine that clones tacos… Can make 18 clones a minute so we should be self sufficient as we start to drift away from the mainland.

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