BREAKING: City of Long Beach to annex East Atlantic Beach, Atlantic Beach, Lido Beach and Point Lookout

newcityofLBIn what officials are calling a move that will solve every local issue you can possible think of, The City of Long Beach has officially announced their plan to annex neighboring towns, including Atlantic Beach, East Atlantic Beach, Lido Beach and Point lookout. If successful, the current city border will become known as the Capital, new territories will be districts; all under the City of Long Beach moniker.

Utilizing the two humvees which were recently acquired from US ARMY Surplus is how the city plans this territorial expansion. “Yes, It will be an invasion. Long Beach is a summer town. We need summer dollars,” says City Spokesman Chief Brody, newly appointed Chief of Operations. “These added new districts will not only increase our tax base, but also bring in goods and services which were otherwise impossible to have in our existing city limits.”

UnknownThe Wind Powered Shellfish Nursery, Marvel Soft Serve Ice cream, solar panels & hydrogen fuel station at the Town of Hempstead Energy Park, beach cabanas, Captain AL, Lido Golf Club, Atlantic Beach Bridge & tolls, Jo Jo Apples, Ted’s Boat Rentals, giant cement mushroom picnic areas, Sun and Surf Beach Club, plus the various marinas are just a few spoils of war Long Beach is anxious to acquire.

The immediate strategy is to quickly gain control of both eastern and western inlets at Point Lookout and AtlanticBeach respectively.  “By controlling the trade routes at these inlets, we will be able to impose hefty tariffs on all opium, fur, silk and spices coming into Long Island,” Brody explains. “This will have a major positive impact on our city finances.” 

battleplanLong Beach residents are mixed on expansion. “I think [annexation] is great,” says Edward Platt of W. Walnut Street. “But why stop there. Oceanside has a hospital. That should be our main focus. Otherwise, I am looking forward to a larger city.”  E. Broadway resident Bernie Kopell doesn’t agree,  “Annexation will bring more traffic and parking issues. The city should try to fix the roads first before they even think about military invasions. Who elected these clowns anyway?”

“I’m not sure what the big deal is”, a city spokesman tells us. “Russia is doing the same thing with Crimea. Military takeovers are obviously trending on twitter.”

In Point Lookout, Don Adams, a Long Beach sympathizer, says he cannot wait to be under Long Beach control: “With the promise of sewers, street parking and real mail delivery, we welcome our Long Beach overlords.” But not all agree,  Atlantic Beach resident, who wishes to remain anonymous tells us, “[Long Beach] can keep their broken memorial signs and dog-poopy sidewalks. I don’t want that filth here. My family plans on fighting.”

“Resistance is futile” says Brody, regarding any rebellion against the Capital. “And in order to keep these districts in line, one boy and one girl between the ages of 12 and 18 from each district will be selected by an annual lottery to participate in the Long Beach Games. These ‘tributes’ must fight to the death in an outdoor arena until only one individual remains.” Brody promises us that these games will be great fun for all in the Capital, whose citizens don’t have to directly participate.

4108891939_7181721d0a_bOnce annexation is complete, the next target will be the marshland bay houses in Reynolds Channel. “Control of the valuable Long Island salt hay industry will give us many options for the future,” Brody says. The invasion will begin as soon as Long Beach gets their new flag sown and shipped in from China. 

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15 thoughts on “BREAKING: City of Long Beach to annex East Atlantic Beach, Atlantic Beach, Lido Beach and Point Lookout”

  1. All joking aside. Why is it so great for EAB to use LB schools, police ,rec center, purchase LB beach pass at resident rates,NOT pay a city tax AND not allow LB residents to access their beaches while they have private beach lockers? Who is lobbying for the Long Beachers???

  2. EAB residents are covered by the 4th Precinct, not Long Beach PD. They pay school, library and recreation taxes to the City of Long Beach. They also pay separate and significant taxes to the Town of Hempstead to maintain their park district, including the private beach.

  3. Unfortunately if this plan were left to the City of Long Beach, they would cut off ties to the mainland by blowing the bridges while standing on them. Then rush the injured “troops” to the local emergency room, before realizing they hadn’t actually reopened LBMC after Sandy.
    City manager Jack, would then explain that this was a good thing, and all part of the long term plan to lure the National Guard into making an amphibious landing in the west end, where they would be forced to go bar to bar looking for rebel government leaders – thus rendering the National Guard useless thru over serving.

  4. East Atlantic beach actually doesn’t use long beach police, it is nassau county’s jurisdiction. We also have to pay non resident fees for both the rec center and he beaches… Just so u know

  5. As a home owner in long beach since 1969…..My street still looks like a war zone…It used to be patched, NOW they act like it’s NOT EVEN THERE

  6. It sure was fun reading something that might happen maybe in a movie, but never in real life and in a city whose name would be changed to protect the eh innocent?

  7. Simply Put, Take Lifelong, trustworthy, uncorruptable, non-partisan Long Beach Police Officer, Jack Radin, at the helm. That’s a Win, Win for East Atlantic Beach and Long Beach. As far as Atlantic Beach goes, NEVER HAPPENING.. Win your battle, they’ll go to WAR.
    Good Luck

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