In what officials are calling a move that will solve every local issue you can possible think of, The City of Long Beach has officially announced their plan to annex neighboring towns, including Atlantic Beach, East Atlantic Beach, Lido Beach and Point lookout. If successful, the current city border will become known as the Capital, new territories will be districts; all under the City of Long Beach moniker.
Utilizing the two humvees which were recently acquired from US ARMY Surplus is how the city plans this territorial expansion. “Yes, It will be an invasion. Long Beach is a summer town. We need summer dollars,” says City Spokesman Chief Brody, newly appointed Chief of Operations. “These added new districts will not only increase our tax base, but also bring in goods and services which were otherwise impossible to have in our existing city limits.”
The Wind Powered Shellfish Nursery, Marvel Soft Serve Ice cream, solar panels & hydrogen fuel station at the Town of Hempstead Energy Park, beach cabanas, Captain AL, Lido Golf Club, Atlantic Beach Bridge & tolls, Jo Jo Apples, Ted’s Boat Rentals, giant cement mushroom picnic areas, Sun and Surf Beach Club, plus the various marinas are just a few spoils of war Long Beach is anxious to acquire.
The immediate strategy is to quickly gain control of both eastern and western inlets at Point Lookout and AtlanticBeach respectively. “By controlling the trade routes at these inlets, we will be able to impose hefty tariffs on all opium, fur, silk and spices coming into Long Island,” Brody explains. “This will have a major positive impact on our city finances.”
Long Beach residents are mixed on expansion. “I think [annexation] is great,” says Edward Platt of W. Walnut Street. “But why stop there. Oceanside has a hospital. That should be our main focus. Otherwise, I am looking forward to a larger city.” E. Broadway resident Bernie Kopell doesn’t agree, “Annexation will bring more traffic and parking issues. The city should try to fix the roads first before they even think about military invasions. Who elected these clowns anyway?”
“I’m not sure what the big deal is”, a city spokesman tells us. “Russia is doing the same thing with Crimea. Military takeovers are obviously trending on twitter.”
In Point Lookout, Don Adams, a Long Beach sympathizer, says he cannot wait to be under Long Beach control: “With the promise of sewers, street parking and real mail delivery, we welcome our Long Beach overlords.” But not all agree, Atlantic Beach resident, who wishes to remain anonymous tells us, “[Long Beach] can keep their broken memorial signs and dog-poopy sidewalks. I don’t want that filth here. My family plans on fighting.”
“Resistance is futile” says Brody, regarding any rebellion against the Capital. “And in order to keep these districts in line, one boy and one girl between the ages of 12 and 18 from each district will be selected by an annual lottery to participate in the Long Beach Games. These ‘tributes’ must fight to the death in an outdoor arena until only one individual remains.” Brody promises us that these games will be great fun for all in the Capital, whose citizens don’t have to directly participate.
Once annexation is complete, the next target will be the marshland bay houses in Reynolds Channel. “Control of the valuable Long Island salt hay industry will give us many options for the future,” Brody says. The invasion will begin as soon as Long Beach gets their new flag sown and shipped in from China.