Breaking News: Long Beach to Replace Entire Police Force with Mall Cops

Updated: April Fools. In an effort to save a few bucks, The City of Long Beach has announced a complete overhaul of the police department by replacing all current officers with mall cops. “A recent report says our police force isn’t fully optimized,” A city spokesperson explains “So let’s just change the whole damn thing because.. why the hell not?” mallcopslb

This task will be given to Alliance Patrol, a  Brookhaven-based company who specializes in mall security. “Our mall cops are cheap, disposable, work less hours and know nothing about lifetime benefits,” newly appointed Mall Cop Chief Martin Brody tells us. “Long Beach will have the strongest, smartest, safest and most resilient protection Monday to Saturdays from 10am to 9:30pm and on Sundays from 11am to 7pm.”

mallcoplbAlthough Long Beach as no malls, the same security principles will still apply. “A Code of Conduct is set forth to protect Long Beach’s tourists and beach goers…. Oh yeah residents and businesses as well. You can’t forget about them,” City spokesperson explains.

“Whether at the shoregasboard food court, the local department store or with those waiting to sit on santa’s lap,  things will be orderly,” Chief Brody adds. “Juvenile groups of four or more will be dispersed. Beach goers must keep moving in a well behaved fashion through the premises and not block beach entrances. Any  obstructing or interfering with the free flow of pedestrian traffic on the boardwalk will now be prohibited. And no chewing gum.” Other safety features will include a city-wide intercom system to help track down the parents of lost children.

On the lack of nighttime patrol, Brody says they’re working with the city to close off all public areas during the after hours with either heavy canvas fabric or metal security doors. This will allow for the soon-to-be-announced night time cleanup crew to tidy things up. “Nighttime is of no concern for me,” Brody explains. “One time at night I found a teddy bear in green corduroy overalls hiding in a giant bed. Claimed he was looking for a missing button, but I squashed that situation right away because that’s what us Mall Cops do.”  

mallcopThis new plan has been met with very little resistance, according to city officials, who expects the current LBPD to be totally ok with the inevitable layoffs. A fleet of our finest Segway riders are already patrolling the the boardwalk and crime-stricken ocean,  but expect to see Long Beach Mall Cops in full force by this beach season.

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32 thoughts on “Breaking News: Long Beach to Replace Entire Police Force with Mall Cops”

  1. Funny article, but without getting into if they are needed or not, these men were hired on a grant that had a lifespan. A short one which they knew this grant was set to expire. Why wasn’t this addressed last year so they could come up with a solution? Everyone knew this day was going to come! Did everyone expect the city to eat the cost after they grant expired? Where is that money going to come from – another department who is already on a tight budget? Layoffs are never good and I’m not saying I agree with them but if your salary is coming from a grant that has a specified end date, you know your days are numbered unless an alternative solution is proposed or the grant is renewed.

  2. Just a thought, They passed a balanced budget with 30 men. Just months before “everyone knew” about the layoffs the city had enough money to promote a firefighter to LT. This L.T. is not going to be paid to go to LT. training. Please explain that?

  3. You are correct that everyone knew the grant was going to end. The problem is when the city manager tells the department that the guys are safe when the budget comes out and in fact all 30 members are in the budget signifying that the city had the finances to continue to employ the members after the expiration of the grant. If we continue to believe what the city manager keeps repeating then let me ask you this… Why was there not a single conversation about a solution to these layoffs between the city and the fire fighters prior to the expiration of the grant. Answer- The fire fighters believed they were safe and the city manager never wanted a solution, he wanted cuts.

  4. Since this “joke” is now ammo for the FD nuts….I see the idiots running the “Stop The LBFD layoffs Page” have launched more rants against volunteers for not making an ambulance call in west atlantic beach – saying this is why need “professionals”. Well….MORONS…you are 100% correct – which is why the city is getting more paramedics for less to cover the 75% EMS calls. And they wonder why the Volleys don’t support their “brothers” – a joke. Can we please get on with Alternative 1 and kiss these high paid babies goodbye already….

  5. People can view it anyway they want, but I’m just having fun with something topical with LB and gave it a twist. I didn’t intentionally mean for it to be some sort of statement. It honestly isn’t.

  6. “Mac” Volleys have not supported the pros in many years!!!! When staffing was lowered in 2010 The VOLUNTEERS DID NOT SHOW ANY SUPPORT. So stop with the “wonder why” they are not supporting them now. you are getting things out of order. Alt 1 implemented or not is not going to halt the flow of the facts you hate so much.

  7. You’re an angry irrational nut — so stop blaming volunteers or using them to prove or sell your loss of jobs that just don’t fit todays set up – its over – done – face it and stop screaming nonsense. And using terrible tragic events in the city or elsewhere to prove your worth is even more disgraceful. Besides – How’s all your “facts” working for ya? Evidently they’re not – and that’s not going ‘to halt the flow” of changes coming you hate so much.

  8. The Volleys are well aware that there whole club house is based on lies. How many are there? What are there training levels? what is the average response time of certain volunteer manned trucks? We can’t get any of these answers!!! You want these cuts? fine but what are they based on. ICMA report is full of garbage. It was written to achieve the goal you want to much. However it is a lie.

  9. yeah but….ok, but….i see, but ….not the point, but…. always another “but” in another direction. The average citizen doesn’t even give a hoot – just you and the other radical dozen. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

  10. Stopthelayoffs still slamming vollys for not making ambulance runs. Thank you so much for proving the city right. We need more paramedics – not firemen – to answer ems calls. Less cost more coverage. Thank you stopthelayoffs – we all agree!!

  11. I thought it was an april fools. Did you see amazons page today? It is the homepage from 1999. At first I thought I got a virus. lol It’s all in fun.

  12. Hey Brian. Your recent post about 2343 arriving at fire call in west end alone or before vollys was incorrect. 2342 and 2362 arrived with them. Fact. Deal with it.

  13. Hello Anthony, Better late than never! I was just catching up with what’s going on and….Your ” April Fools”…OMG! Hilarious. We need a good laugh.I still have stomach pains and the photos..Geez….Thanks

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