APRIL FOOLS! After saying a full service medical center in Long Beach would lose $10 million a year, SNMC is back with a new proposal in response to strong resident criticism. Calling it a last ditch effort, SNMC’s new plan would include a full service 24 hour bar/emergency room which would serve hard liquor, wine and local craft beers.
“It would be a steady and much needed revenue stream. A liquor license application has been submitted, so now it’s a waiting game. There is literally nothing else we can do to make a full service hospital work in Long Beach,” a hospital spokesperson tells SBTC, “It’s booze or nothing.”
SNMC hopes to have the booze hospital open by 2018. You will need to be 21 and older to be admitted.
APRIL FOOLS! Jonas Grumby, the new owner for the foundation block is seeking to convert the densely zoned property into a single-structure house. Grumby believes his humble plan won’t face any opposition, “I could put two giant towers there, but residents are up in arms with density and parking issues in this city. My plan appropriately fits the needs of the community.”
Paying full taxes on this single-structure house is Grumby’s intention. “I’m not seeking IDA abatements, so I expect the Long Beach community to rally behind this plan. Let’s move it forward. Let’s do it. Let’s re-zone it for a single structure house so I can pay my fair share.”
When asked about the structure spanning the entire foundation block or the unconventional connecting rooflines, Grumby had this to say, “There is no workaround, no loophole. This proposal is for one structure, one house. I’m not sure what the big fuss is over. They are courtyards. I love courtyards. Is it one big roof? Yes, it is. End of discussion.”
The Zoning Board of Appeals will vote on the zoning change later this month.
There were a lot of good jokes surrounding April Fool’s Day this year in Long Beach. Here are the ones that I saw. If I’m missing any, please let me know. I seriously only follow and pay attention a few groups, so I’m sure I missed something.
The City of Long Beach participated this year for the first time that I can remember. Posted on Facebook:
Popular Facebook group Project 11561 gave us three:
Out of laziness, I [Seabythecity.com] only did one this year: Mall Cops. I’m also going to post ones I wrote in the past, for those who are new to the blog:
Updated: April Fools. In an effort to save a few bucks, The City of Long Beach has announced a complete overhaul of the police department by replacing all current officers with mall cops. “A recent report says our police force isn’t fully optimized,” A city spokesperson explains “So let’s just change the whole damn thing because.. why the hell not?”
This task will be given to Alliance Patrol, a Brookhaven-based company who specializes in mall security. “Our mall cops are cheap, disposable, work less hours and know nothing about lifetime benefits,” newly appointed Mall Cop Chief Martin Brody tells us. “Long Beach will have the strongest, smartest, safest and most resilient protection Monday to Saturdays from 10am to 9:30pm and on Sundays from 11am to 7pm.”
Although Long Beach as no malls, the same security principles will still apply. “A Code of Conduct is set forth to protect Long Beach’s tourists and beach goers…. Oh yeah residents and businesses as well. You can’t forget about them,” City spokesperson explains.
“Whether at the shoregasboard food court, the local department store or with those waiting to sit on santa’s lap, things will be orderly,” Chief Brody adds. “Juvenile groups of four or more will be dispersed. Beach goers must keep moving in a well behaved fashion through the premises and not block beach entrances. Any obstructing or interfering with the free flow of pedestrian traffic on the boardwalk will now be prohibited. And no chewing gum.” Other safety features will include a city-wide intercom system to help track down the parents of lost children.
On the lack of nighttime patrol, Brody says they’re working with the city to close off all public areas during the after hours with either heavy canvas fabric or metal security doors. This will allow for the soon-to-be-announced night time cleanup crew to tidy things up. “Nighttime is of no concern for me,” Brody explains. “One time at night I found a teddy bear in green corduroy overalls hiding in a giant bed. Claimed he was looking for a missing button, but I squashed that situation right away because that’s what us Mall Cops do.”
This new plan has been met with very little resistance, according to city officials, who expects the current LBPD to be totally ok with the inevitable layoffs. A fleet of our finest Segway riders are already patrolling the the boardwalk and crime-stricken ocean, but expect to see Long Beach Mall Cops in full force by this beach season.
April Fools’ Day. You either love it or hate it. I Like it because it gives me a chance to have a little creative fun with the blog. I do want to thank you all for making this April 1st the most visited day in Seabythecity history. 7621 views! Wow, totally awesome! (Now if some of you could only LIKE us on Facebook….. hehe.)
This year was a busy one for Long Beach pranksters. Here’s a roundup of ones that I know about. Sorry if I’m missing any, but if I am, leave it in the comments and I’ll add it.
Project 11561 asked everybody to beautify potholes. It was such a good prank that Newsday even wrote about it: LONG BEACH POTHOLE PRANK. Some people even went along with the gag, as you can see in the photo above. I have no idea how to link to a single Facebook post, but head over to Project 11561 and look for it there.
Long Beach Patch blogger Bob West wrote CITY APPROVES BALANCED BUDGET, where Long Beach plans to balance the budget by selling off beach spots as condominium plots. Other craziness includes structures being build on the beach, changing the season pass structure, including new beach pass plans for children. Bob even incorporated one of my pranks into his article. Well done!
Seabythecity posted three:
1) PUT ME IN A ZOO Written by Liz, where two powerball winners choose Long Beach for their philanthropy. They plan on buying up all vacant land and develop in strange ways (tennis courts, bird sanctuary, etc.). Part of me wished this one was true….
2) I wrote two. My first one: BREAKING: CITY OF LONG BEACH TO ANNEX EAST ATLANTIC BEACH, ATLANTIC BEACH, LIDO BEACH AND POINT LOOKOUT. The title is self-explanatory; all for solving every local issue you can possible think of. Thus, leaving our barrier Island in a Hunger Games-type situation. May the odds be ever in your favor.
3) My second one: TIME TRAVELER WARNS US OF LONG BEACH FUTURE. John Titor is an actual guy who claims to be a time traveller. You can read about him here: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Titor.
For those new to seabythecity and would like to read some past pranks, here they are. I hope you enjoy them!
In what officials are calling a move that will solve every local issue you can possible think of, The City of Long Beach has officially announced their plan to annex neighboring towns, including Atlantic Beach, East Atlantic Beach, Lido Beach and Point lookout. If successful, the current city border will become known as the Capital, new territories will be districts; all under the City of Long Beach moniker. Continue reading “BREAKING: City of Long Beach to annex East Atlantic Beach, Atlantic Beach, Lido Beach and Point Lookout”
Seabythecity was fortunate enough to catch up with John Titor, a time traveler who was recently in our present-day city hoping for somebody to actually listen to him. During the interview, Titor painted us a grim picture of what Long Beach future will look like and left us with a warning to stop all beautification as soon as possible, or else. Continue reading “Time Traveler warns us of Long Beach Future”
UPDATE: April 2nd, 2013. April Fools!
In an effort to stop those from peeing in the ocean, the City of Long Beach has announced that the additive ‘Urine-Indicator Dye’ will be used in the water at Ocean Beach Park this summer. This chemical compound releases a red dye when it reacts to the acidity of urine, thus singling out the exact location of the pee perpetrator.
The city was struck hard this past fall when Superstorm Sandy wiped out all beach-side bathrooms. Since replacement portable potties aren’t ideal, the city fears the convenience of the ocean will make it the new & hot pee spot. Higher PH levels and a rise in water temperature are just two of many reasons why the city is concerned.
As you can see in the chart below, a recent survey conducted on this blog revealed how “peeing in the ocean” was a problem well before this possible crisis.
(Credit: 2012 seabythecity.com survey: Bathroom or Ocean?)
“Believe it or not, we all pee,” a city spokesperson tells us. “Hold it in, go before you come to the beach or use a bottle if you don’t like portable potties. Avoid peeing in the ocean if you don’t want to be singled out or ridiculed.”
With a $90 million dollar grant, expect a massive campaign this summer warning you of the chemical use and peepee consequences. Twenty signs were already purchased and the city is seeking additional grant money to purchase more.
UPDATE: April 2nd, 2013. April Fools!
Walmart Supercenter is coming to the super block. Don Adams, a representative from Shore Commercial Development Property Management Holding Associates, LLC, tells us this is exactly what they envisioned for that location. “It’s a very appropriate use. After all, what defines beach and ocean more than Walmart?”
“Imagine shopping for a Smith & Wesson 811030 MP1522 Rifle while picking up Red Baron Pizza & Sides Pepperoni Pizza & Buffalo Style Boneless Wyngz for dinner,” Regional Manager Barbara Feldon tells us. “From Coby-brand electronics to a 12 pack of Slap Ya Mama Hot Cajun Seasoning, I can’t imagine why you’d want to shop anywhere else.”
Very minor city infrastructure, such as the boardwalk-rebuild, will be altered to better suit what Walmart sells. Feldon explains, “The recently announced resilient tropical wood doesn’t splinter or pop bicycle tires. Since we plan on running daily specials on tweezers and bike parts, the city agreed to use the pine boards and loose nails like from the old boardwalk.” Other ideas such as replacing the seldom-used Stop Signs with ‘Walmart Value of the Day’ billboards are being discussed as well.
“Just because we are a ruthless conglomerate, doesn’t mean we don’t put the community first,” Feldon tells us. “In fact, our stores are tailored to the areas we take over. For example, we noticed residents here dislike properly disposing trash. It’s our policy to not offend anyone, so trash cans & bags will not be sold at this location. Also, polar bears seem to be a thing here in Long Beach. As a way of saying hello to our new neighbors, we are donating 100 of them to freely roam the streets. I think it’s going to be a big hit!” Other perks such as 3% off all purchases under $14 are being discussed. “Fifteen forms of ID will be required, but it’s our way of giving back to the community.”
All positions will be available to non-Long Beach Residents only. Watch for the grand opening this fall.
Regarding: Town of Hempstead Announces Another Larger Wind Turbine at Festive Press Conference
- I cannot believe people thought a giant 2420 foot tall wind turbine was coming to Lido Beach, NY- “One of the tallest man-made structures in the world, just 297 feet short of the Burj Khalifa in Dubai.”
- I cannot believe people thought Town of Hempstead Supervisor Kate Murray sang “The Wind Cries Murray” at the press conference.
- I cannot believe people thought the turbine will act like a giant propeller – essentially moving the barrier island away from the mainland – AKA Barrier Island Drift.
- I cannot believe people thought new bamboo bridge technology was going to be used to accommodate the island drift – AKA slow growing bridges.
- I cannot believe people think apes are going take over… ok, that I can believe in.
- I cannot believe I am writing this article.
Well, apparently some people thought it was real. A representative from the Town of Hempstead kindly asked that I remove the article because April Fool’s is over and “the article is now being taken seriously.”
Ok, so I’m not going to take it down. I worked waaaaay too hard writing it and I happen to know my rights with this stuff now (I learned a lot in the past few months.) What will I do then? Well, in good faith, I added a disclaimer to the top of the page. I get it. April Fool’s is over. Blah blah blah. More importantly, I don’t want town employee’s hours wasted taking phone calls telling people it’s a joke.
Look at the photo below. I mean, really people?