Updated: April Fools. In an effort to save a few bucks, The City of Long Beach has announced a complete overhaul of the police department by replacing all current officers with mall cops. “A recent report says our police force isn’t fully optimized,” A city spokesperson explains “So let’s just change the whole damn thing because.. why the hell not?”
This task will be given to Alliance Patrol, a Brookhaven-based company who specializes in mall security. “Our mall cops are cheap, disposable, work less hours and know nothing about lifetime benefits,” newly appointed Mall Cop Chief Martin Brody tells us. “Long Beach will have the strongest, smartest, safest and most resilient protection Monday to Saturdays from 10am to 9:30pm and on Sundays from 11am to 7pm.”
Although Long Beach as no malls, the same security principles will still apply. “A Code of Conduct is set forth to protect Long Beach’s tourists and beach goers…. Oh yeah residents and businesses as well. You can’t forget about them,” City spokesperson explains.
“Whether at the shoregasboard food court, the local department store or with those waiting to sit on santa’s lap, things will be orderly,” Chief Brody adds. “Juvenile groups of four or more will be dispersed. Beach goers must keep moving in a well behaved fashion through the premises and not block beach entrances. Any obstructing or interfering with the free flow of pedestrian traffic on the boardwalk will now be prohibited. And no chewing gum.” Other safety features will include a city-wide intercom system to help track down the parents of lost children.
On the lack of nighttime patrol, Brody says they’re working with the city to close off all public areas during the after hours with either heavy canvas fabric or metal security doors. This will allow for the soon-to-be-announced night time cleanup crew to tidy things up. “Nighttime is of no concern for me,” Brody explains. “One time at night I found a teddy bear in green corduroy overalls hiding in a giant bed. Claimed he was looking for a missing button, but I squashed that situation right away because that’s what us Mall Cops do.”
This new plan has been met with very little resistance, according to city officials, who expects the current LBPD to be totally ok with the inevitable layoffs. A fleet of our finest Segway riders are already patrolling the the boardwalk and crime-stricken ocean, but expect to see Long Beach Mall Cops in full force by this beach season.